My life was hard growing up. I used to try to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad. “There’s someone who has it worse than me.” I would desperately look for the good, even if it meant that it was just what I could gain from the temporary situation. Because that’s what it was; a temporary display for the pure satisfaction and happiness of everyone else; completely superficial; this fraud with the slogan: “bloodlines are above all.”
I hated it; I spent years doing things for family members just to get them off my back for a while. After having my oldest, I started to become blind to the toxicity of my family. I chalked up my negative emotions as being younger and that the behavior I got from family members was expected since I was the black sheep of the family. Still I couldn’t put my finger on why I still had this icky feeling before and after family events.
Then I met my husband and his family, and not long after spending time with them did I start to see clearly. More than that, I was accepted and loved for who I was. It’s because of the love of my husband and his family, that I realized what I had been truly needing and wanting for myself and most importantly, around my children.
I was hit with awareness like a ton of bricks and couldn’t stand the thought of living and teaching this toxic family pattern another second. I did my best to try to create boundaries with family members because I didn’t want to look back regretting anything. Deep down I knew what I needed was not compatible to the family I was born into; they just were not capable. While I expected this to be the case, I knew as much I could accept the fact that my family wasn’t going to change, I wasn’t going to accept anything less than what I needed anymore. So I made a decision that was best for my children, my marriage and honestly, for my sanity.
This was a hard decision for me to make at first because I grew up only knowing toxicity. I didn’t know how to get my normal meter realigned or if it ever would get there! Time has a way of making things easier and I wholeheartedly could not be happier!
Because I have the family I needed now.
I’m married to the most wonderful adoring husband who loves me unconditionally; imperfect and all.
My children have people who want to be around, and are also good role models and influences in their lives.
I enjoy and look forward to all family time together.
I am apart of a family where I belong.
Its an indescribable feeling to belong; to be loved; for life to feel simple.
It also brings more opportunity for positive change in myself as I am faced with the many mirrors (some extremely ugly) of the patterns I was raised with.
Ironically, I don’t feel as afraid to be vulnerable and to face them because of the love of my husband and the family that now stands behind me.
That’s the gift I gained by putting the needs of my children, marriage and myself first.
And what a gift it is.